Don't Sell Yourself Short

I LOVE harmony. Give me joy, harmony, peace, and love any day of the week!
 
But over time, I’ve come to learn that there is a high-cost to side-stepping the hard conversations, difficult emotions and tension that come with meaningful conflict.
 
What is meaningful conflict?
It is the exchange and refinement of ideas in pursuit of a common goal.
 
It often begins when we notice differences in expectations, beliefs, or desires, and it escalates as we discover that others want outcomes that could mean we don’t get our way.
 
For example, say I notice a difference: My colleague and I have different ideas about how to approach a budget or policy decision. I realize that if they get their way (say they get their budget increase), I might not get mine. Once I perceive this scarcity, I can react in different ways:

• I can compete, and get hyper-focused on making my case for why my budget needs are more compelling.
• I can accommodate by giving in and simply reducing my own budget request.
• I can seek compromise by suggesting things I could give up in exchange for my colleague doing the same.
• I can avoid, by missing meetings and steering clear of my colleague.

-OR-

• I could roll up my sleeves and engage in meaningful conflict. (Which can also be called collaborating)

Meaningful Conflict

When I engage in meaningful conflict, I set aside ample time and I advocate for my budget needs. I make my case and I defend my position. I also listen to my colleague while they make their case, and I seriously consider their arguments and needs. But this is not simply a debate, where we compete to win...

Once we've made our cases, we put on our "organizational hats" and we look at the budget situation through the lens of the organization as a whole. We factor in our larger strategic priorities and the urgency and impact of other projects, programs and needs to test our assumptions about what's best. Finally, we get creative. We seriously look for alternate funding sources and creative ways of meeting the budget challenge. With a little luck and a lot of persistence, we find a way forward that maximizes our collective wins—even if we personally don't get all of what we want.
 
In meaningful conflict, we don’t back-off from the conversation, give in too easily, attack the other person, or give up. Rather, we grapple with ideas and commit to doing the hard work that leads to greater understanding and better outcomes. It’s not easy—especially for us harmony seekers and conflict-avoiders (see Confessions from a Conflict-Avoider). But it's worth it! It builds character and helps us reach better decisions in the end.   
 
So, don’t sell yourself short. Next time you have an important idea or need, enter the hard conversation with conviction and curiosity, and seek creative, collaborative solutions. You'll reap many rewards!
 
P.S. If you and your team are NOT having meaningful conflict, you're not alone! But, that means you might be compromising the quality of your decisions and it may mean that you need to build trust and safety on your team. If this is your situation, I can help! Give me a call.