Did you hear about Ann?

 “Did you hear about Ann? I heard that she didn’t turn in her project, AGAIN, and made some lame excuse for why she couldn’t get it done.”

THIS was the juicy gossip that changed the way I reacted to this kind of talk forever. You see, Ann was a friend of mine, and when a group of other friends approached me to share this tidbit, I made a bold move. I said, “If you have a concern about Ann’s project, please ask her about it instead of talking behind her back. I’m not interested in gossip.” Then I turned and walked away. 

As I walked, I felt my ears burning, and I wondered what they were saying about ME at that very moment. I felt incredibly awkward and a little embarrassed, and I assumed that none of those people would be my friends any more.

But I also knew that what I had done was right.

Gossip can be compelling, right? Be honest — what do you really do when someone starts to gossip?

• Do you participate?
• Stay quiet?
• Walk away?
• Set a boundary?

Gossip is generally defined as talking negatively about someone’s personal or private information when they are not present. If it doesn’t have a negative overtone, we may not label it as gossip. BUT, gossip — even when the message is not negative — can lead to rumors, which distort information and are TOXIC in any workplace. Your best bet is to help people speak DIRECTLY TO each other, and to encourage people to CONFIRM things they hear (when they need the information) directly WITH the SOURCE.

The guideline I use when coaching or consulting is this: I encourage people to speak directly TO each other about the issues that concern them. That includes peer-to-peer, manager-to-employee, AND employee-to-manager. (Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but assuming people have a reasonable degree of conversational intelligence, it should work!)

Let’s talk about HOW.

1) If you are the leader, establish clear and direct expectations on your team about NOT gossiping. Create a ground rule that specifically says, “We don’t gossip or speak poorly about one another. Instead, we express our support and belief in each other.” (Better yet, ask your team to come up with the guidelines… they will probably mention this since most everyone hates gossip and recognizes its cost.)

2) Model and practice interrupting gossip powerfully and positively. Find the words that are right for you, and practice them. It’s not easy, and it will probably be awkward, but preparing in advance will help.

• For example, you could say, “I feel uncomfortable when you talk about {NAME} when they are not here.”
• Or, “I’m sure you mean well, but I don’t want to talk about {NAME}. I hope you’ll talk to {NAME} directly.”
• Or, “We have a guideline about not talking about others. I’m concerned we are crossing that line. Let’s change the subject.”   

3) Create opportunities as a team for sharing concerns.

• Allow time and space for the team to talk about how results compare to expectations, and about how to continuously get better.
• If it is clearly expected that our team will consistently strive for improvement, then sharing some of our disappointments and frustrations together can be a part of that process. Be sure to keep the focus on work performance, and don’t let it get personal.

4) Create positive opportunities for team bonding. Sharing in the gossip can make us feel like we are BONDING, which can feel good. Unfortunately, there is collateral damage with gossip. Focusing on positive ways to bond helps eliminate the compulsion to gossip.

• Bring your team together for regular sharing.
• Encourage people to get to know each other. Encourage openness and connection.
• Have some fun together!

Gossip is TOXIC in any workplace and it can erode relationships, delay your results, and waste a HUGE amount of time. Next time you’re exposed to some juicy gossip, speak up with courage and put an end to it! You’ll be glad you did!