Confessions from a Conflict-Avoider

It’s true. I’m conflict avoidant.
 
To be more accurate, I adapt my response to the situation, but I gravitate toward avoiding the conflict or accommodating the other person when emotions (especially anger) runs high.
 
According to Dr. Kenneth W. Thomas and Dr. Ralph H. Kilmann, authors of the Thomas-Kilmann conflict mode instrument, there are five basic responses to conflict: Avoiding, Accommodating, Competing, Compromising, and Collaborating.
 
Of course, we can (and do) use all of these at certain times, with certain people, and in various ways. But we can think of these as anchors tethering us to default settings, and they represent patterns that our conflict behavior follows in high-tension circumstances, unless we are conscious of behaving differently.
 
In simple terms, each of the five basic responses balances 2 things: Our concern for ourselves and our own perspective at the moment of conflict, vs. our concern for the other person and their perspective and needs.

• When I’m accommodating, I am more concerned about the other person getting what they want, or with understanding the other person or maintaining harmony, so I am inclined to acquiesce.
• When I’m competing, I am more concerned with getting my OWN point across, or getting my way, or getting the other person to see it my way, so I am inclined to argue, debate, or simply assert more strongly.
• When compromising, I am inclined to negotiate or balance my needs with the needs of the other, finding a solution we can both live with.
• When avoiding, I’m trying to avoid discomfort so I skirt the subject or withhold my opinion, or ride the fence, and I may give the impression that I am in agreement, but I am actually disengaging.
• When I collaborate, I am considering my own AND the other person’s needs, and seeking a solution that will allow both of us to win.

Each of the 5 responses has pros and cons and is absolutely reasonable and wise in the right situation. For example:

• If I sense danger, it is very reasonable for me to avoid.
• If I don’t really care about something, why not accommodate?
• If something feels very important, urgent or critical, it makes sense that I might compete.
• And when the relationship is important, the topic is important and I have time, I am likely to compromise or collaborate.

The real issues arise only when we perpetually default to a response without understanding the personal or relational costs. For example, when I perpetually avoid, I not only do not solve problems, I also am less “knowable.” High-trust relationships are harder to build because others can’t get a “read” on who I am apart from them.
 
When I default to accommodating, I may be putting my own needs too far down the list. Over time this can lead to burnout, resentment and backlash.
 
If my default is competing, my relationships will likely suffer over time, as I fail to create balance, to listen deeply to others, and to demonstrate appropriate levels of empathy.
 
If I compromise too often, I may be short-changing myself and the other person by cutting losses instead of maximizing wins, while if I default to collaboration, the time it takes to reach decisions may be a challenge.
 
The best solution is (of course) to use the right approach at the right time, and to develop higher levels of consciousness about how we are interacting when emotions start to run high. Here is an easy 3-step model I developed to keep myself on track:

When you sense a difference of opinion that could lead to conflict, S.E.E. your way to a better outcome:

1. STOP. Take a breath. Interrupt your habitual patterns. Check in with yourself: How are you feeling? What are you thinking? How are you interpreting the situation? What do you want and need at the end? What might the other person want and need?
2. EXPLORE. Listen first. Ask questions. Check your perceptions. Imagine you are an explorer in new territory. It’s ok to be cautious, but be aware that when emotional stakes are high, you might be exaggerating the potential risks.
3. EXPLAIN. When it’s your turn to speak up, use I-messages to own your thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Make requests. Ask for what you need and monitor your tone of voice and facial expression. (Trust me, it’s giving you away!)

Using these 3 steps routinely will help you make conscious choices and avoid paying the price that comes from well-worn and unexamined habits.
 
Managing conflict in a healthy way is essential for healthy relationships. Give S.E.E. a try!