Are you like an H or like an A?

Honestly—before I really understood the dynamics of trust, I would get caught up and waste SO MUCH TIME, EFFORT and ENERGY doing the WRONG things to try to fix the problems. Looking back, it was really crazy. 

• When someone would get mad at me, or steam roll me with their opinion, or yell at me, or treat me with disrespect, I would work like crazy to try to get them to like me again, or listen to me, or talk to me in a specific way that seemed more respectful to me.
• When someone would leave me out of an important decision, or discount my contribution, or run over me with their needs, I would try to be “cool” and patient and “see it their way.”
• When someone was upset with my performance, or critical of me, or even just had feedback to share, I would smile outwardly, but on the inside it would feel like a personal assault.
• When someone micromanaged my work, or took away my responsibilities, or imposed silly rules on my work that made things harder for no apparent reason, I used to explain it away, try harder to “perform,” or just “go with the flow.”

Unfortunately, none of my people-pleasing, overly accommodating, perfectionistic or self-deprecating efforts really worked to strengthen ME or my RELATIONSHIPS over the long haul. While my responses might have helped me save face or make nice in the short run, none of these behaviors worked to truly BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE, BUILD TRUST and CREATE EQUALITY in my relationships, and therefore, all of those behaviors ended up compromising the health of my relationships overall.

Let me be clear… there is nothing wrong with trying to be likeable, or with trying to see things from a different perspective. There is nothing wrong with feeling badly about getting feedback (it’s very normal) or “going with the flow.” But the OVERUSE or MISUSE of these behaviors in relationships WILL NOT SERVE YOU if you are trying to build healthy relationships over time.

I imagine healthy relationships being like two people forming the capital letter H. Both people, like the 2 straight sides of the letter, stand tall and steady. And, just like the letter H, they are connected in the middle.

I like to believe that when one side of the capital letter H waivers, the other can still stand tall and provide support. The two sides don’t lean so heavily on one another, that if one waivers, the other might topple. (Like the capital letter A. No offense, letter A.)

If you don’t feel strong and independent, or if you don't yet feel connection in a relationship, there are a few simple things that you can do to step-up:

• When something starts to go awry, stay calm and stay connected to yourself.
• Listen with true curiosity to the other person.
• Speak up for yourself in a way that names your own needs and feelings, and that does NOT violate the rights of others.
• Work to find win-win solutions to problems.

Doing these things will help you build confidence and build relationships that are sustainable and healthy over time.