In our quest to gain self-awareness, it helps to understand the underlying “operating systems” that are driving, organizing, and shaping our thoughts and actions. These operating systems (or states of consciousness) profoundly impact the ways we show up in the world.

We can rely on everyday experiences to determine which operating system we are using, and then make conscious choices to shift our awareness into systems that serve us better.

Self-awareness is the starting point for living a better life because all change and growth begins with our ability to understand where we are now. Only then can we successfully carve the path to where we want to go next.

How about an example? Let’s imagine one person, on one morning, who perceives her circumstances differently dependent upon which operating system she chooses to use. Let’s call her “Clara.” Clara gets up in the morning, goes through her morning routine, and heads off to work. Let's watch!

TO ME

In the TO ME operating system, Clara notices that there is no water in the coffee pot and she groans out loud to any family member who can hear, “Ugh! Why is this coffee pot always empty when I go to use it!? Who used it and didn’t fill it?”

Then, standing in the shower, Clara thinks, “I wish I didn’t have to work today. I’m so tired. I wish I could just take some time off and relax. Work is so relentless.”

Traffic is bad on her drive to work. She yells at the driver in front of her, “Go! Go! Can’t you see the light is green?” And then she gripes to herself about how this stupid construction is going to make her late again.

In this operating system, life is happening TO ME. I have little to no control, so I must blame others and outside circumstances for my situation (and my mood). Since I have little control, I try to exert control by complaining, blaming, wishing, and whining. Since these are ineffective tools, I end up feeling like a victim and life feels hard.

BY ME

In the BY ME operating system, Clara behaves a little differently. When she notices the empty coffee pot, she fills it and thinks, “If I do this before I go to bed at night, I'll have more ease in the morning. I can ask my family to fill it after they use it.”

In the shower, she notices she is resisting work and realizes she should take a day off to rejuvenate. Looking ahead on the calendar, she plans a day next week when she can leave the office early and meet a friend for a hike.

Sitting in traffic, Clara realizes she really dislikes being late and decides that she will leave earlier from now on so that she isn’t stressed as she drives.

In this operating system, life is happening BY ME. I am the primary operator. I take responsibility for my situation, my thoughts, my feelings and my results. I understand that the results I experience are directly related to the choices I make and I act accordingly so that my experience of life is more enjoyable.

FOR ME

In the FOR ME operating system, Clara is a learner. When she sees the empty coffee pot, she chuckles and thinks to herself, “Well, I’ve been trying to cut back on coffee, maybe this is a sign!”

In the shower, she notices she is tired and decides to spend a few minutes thinking about the amazing people and projects she gets to work with. She cultivates gratitude and considers ways to make her best contribution at work. She also plans a day off to rejuvenate.  

Though traffic is slow, Clara trusts that it will work out. She decides to leave the house a little earlier from now on, and remembers a great audio-book she's got lined up! She relaxes, feeling grateful for the extra time on the road and uses it wisely.

In this operating system, life is happening FOR ME. Each moment is an opportunity to connect, learn and grow. There is a sense of awe and mystery about life that creates adventure. I am responsible for my circumstances, but also connected to the idea that nothing is certain and that I am co-creating my reality. If I want a better life, I think better thoughts and take different actions, and then I go with the flow.

In our quest for self-awareness, we can follow the breadcrumbs of our thoughts and reactions, tracing them back to the operating systems we are using to organize the world. When we catch ourselves in the TO ME operating system, we pause, consider the things that we CAN control, and shift into the BY ME system. From there, we can look for the bright spots, cultivate gratitude, and shift even further into the FOR ME system.

Credit is due: The concepts of TO ME and BY ME are derived from the work of Dianna Chapman and Jim Dethmer as presented in their book, The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success. The idea of life happening FOR ME comes from the work of Tony Robbins. A big thank you to my guides! 

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