Stephanie Sonnenshine is a leadership coach and consultant who helps high-achieving leaders develop self-awareness and make intentional career choices. She formerly served as CEO of one of California's most influential organizations, leading a team serving over 440,000 members with a $1.5 billion budget through major transitions including the pandemic. Before that, she practiced law and held executive roles where she discovered the critical difference between capability-driven and purpose-driven leadership. Learn more about Stephanie's coaching and consulting work at Sonnenshine.com

In this episode, I explore the tension between capability and genuine desire with Stephanie Sonnenshine—a former CEO who led one of California's most influential organizations through a pandemic and major transitions, then made the intentional choice to step away and pursue coaching and consulting work that truly lights her up.

If you're a high-achieving leader who finds yourself saying yes to opportunities simply because you can, this conversation will help you pause and ask the more important question: Is this what I actually want?

The Capability Trap: When "I Can" Becomes "I Must"

Many driven leaders fall into a pattern: an opportunity presents itself, you're capable of doing it well, so you say yes. Then another opportunity comes. And another. Before you know it, you're ten years into a career path driven by competence rather than genuine desire. Stephanie shares how she navigated this exact tension—becoming CEO not because it was her lifelong goal, but because the opportunity aligned with her deep commitment to the organization's mission and her core value of integrity. The key insight? The big role definitely can be the right choice—as long as it comes from internal clarity rather than external expectations.

Developing Self-Awareness: The Foundation of Intentional Choices

How do you know if you're being driven by what you think you should want versus what you actually want? Stephanie offers practical wisdom:

• Work with a coach. A skilled coach creates space for you to listen to yourself and make decisions aligned with your true motivations, not just your capabilities
• Consider therapy. Particularly for leaders, therapeutic work helps you understand patterns from your family of origin and personal issues that may be driving professional choices
• Examine your motivations. Ask yourself: Is this work that genuinely energizes me? Or am I pursuing it because of status, external validation, or because I think I should?
• Understand consequences. Every choice has an outcome—positive or negative. Spend time deciding whether you can accept those consequences before moving forward

The Power of Slowing Down Decision-Making

One of the most actionable insights from this conversation is about embedding pauses into your decision-making process:

• Create structural pauses. In organizational settings, build clarity around decision-making roles—who needs to be informed, who provides input, who must agree—so you naturally pause to gather the right voices
• Question your responsibility. Just because you're capable doesn't mean every decision or action is yours to own. Ask: Is this truly my decision to make? Am I responsible for everything?
• Give yourself grace. You'll still push too hard sometimes (like Stephanie did, rushing to that wedding). The goal isn't perfection—it's awareness and the ability to course-correct

From Regret to Clarity: Making Peace with Your Choices

Stephanie shares a powerful reframe: her biggest regrets aren't about things she tried that didn't work out—they're about opportunities she didn't pursue. Like turning down the Peace Corps in her twenties because it didn't feel like "forward movement." Looking back from 50, those two years would have been invaluable. The lesson for achievement-driven leaders? Sometimes what feels like a digression or pause could be the most important move you make.

The Freedom in Conscious Achievement

Here's what this conversation isn't about: rejecting ambition, avoiding big opportunities, or downplaying achievement. Stephanie has no regrets about becoming CEO—it was absolutely the right choice at that time. And her transition into coaching and consulting is the right choice now. Both decisions came from internal clarity. The freedom isn't in rejecting achievement—it's in choosing it consciously, from the inside out.

What resonates most: Leaders who recognize themselves in this pattern of capability-driven decisions, who feel the weight of always saying yes, and who are ready to develop a healthier relationship with achievement without losing their drive to make meaningful impact.

Resources Mentioned:

• Learn more about Stephanie's coaching and consulting work at Sonnenshine.com
   

To learn more about my services and for additional tools to enhance your leadership impact, visit ClaireLaughlin.com and connect with me on social channels @Claire Laughlin Consulting. 

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